My own two feet/Who I am..

Bear with me, this is long.

You know sometimes it really stinks learning how to stand on your own two feet. I was given a job my sister had to leave so I never had to look for one, I never went off to college, never lived by myself, got married right out of highschool and have had a husband who has never had to travel without me for nearly 7 years. I've been carried by one person or the next for as long as I can remember. While I know this has helped save me from a lot of things, it also didn't allow me a lot of opportunities to have to learn how to deal with things myself. This has made for an interesting me. I usually have Luke make all business calls, I hate being left alone for too long because heaven forbid something go wrong and I would have to deal with it.

Having Luke out of the country this past week helped me soo much. I don't want to do it again any time soon, but I'm thankful for the lesson gleamed from it. I learned that I am a lot stronger then I thought and how much God is my strength and not Luke. I use to always complain how I could never get anything done around the house because I was always so busy, but I learned it was because I personally wasn't spending my time wisely. When I chose to get up and do the dishes, they got done, and when the laundry needed doing, it got washed/dried/and folded...I went out and ate lunch by myself with all 3 kids, something I've never done before. I learned I was choosing to be overwhelmed by my circumstances instead of dealing with them. It was hard, and it sure sucked being alone, but I'm thankful for the growth either way.

This is a little harder for me to post because well, its a struggle for me...but the past couple of weeks have been one of a lot of self reflection. The other night Luke and I had a fight..it was TOTALLY stupid. I was being a complete jerk to him as a wife and was trying to make him play a dumb card game with me..normally he's quite willing to play cause he enjoys it usually just as much as I do, but he was really tired this night, and instead of putting him first and caring about his needs, I threw a hissy fit about him not caring about ME. This ended up with me sleeping on the couch...but as I was laying there in my anger, I was thinking..why the crap am I so angry?! Why does it matter that he doesn't want to play cards with me, then it hit me. I was angry because it felt like rejection...I interpreted his not wanting to play to not wanting to be with me. Its kind of ironic because I've never faced real rejection...and yet I allow this feeling to rise up in me all the time, when friends do things without me, when my husband choses to do other things then I do, when a parent/parent in law says something totally harmless..This got me thinking about what other things I had allowed room in my life, they go by Anger and Fear. I have willingly taken them by the hand and almost paraded them around in my life. They have shaped who I've been for many years. Anger has been my illusion of control and I like my control...I feel like if I'm angry, I'll be taken seriously and have control.

As for fear, I let it have all the room it wants. I'm afraid of silly stuff...like germs(I literally feel dirty if I don't wash my hands or sanitize them often). This has kept me from living life normally. Kept me from being with people because I was afraid of getting sick...and also when I was little I was lactose intolerant, and had TONS of stomach issues. Though almost all of these are better, I still let the fear of stomach issues control me. I worry about where I go because I don't know if there's a bathroom there, I panic if I can't sit on the outside of the aisle at a movie because I might have to go to the bathroom...and its left me hesitant to eat lots of foods because I think they may upset my stomach.

As I was telling Luke about this the next day, I was telling him how I didn't want this to run my life anymore, but it felt so hard to give up...isn't that weird? Knowing I had these issues and almost wanting to keep them still? To me its hard because for so long everything about who I am has been wrapped up in these emotions. It would feel like I'd be a completely different person if I let go and allowed God to heal me. Which brought up a silly fear about people not liking the new me(though I don't understand why, because I'd sure be a nicer and better person)...The task seems daunting, almost like its an addiction that I have to have withdrawls to get rid of...no body wants to do it-to willing put themselves in pain to escape something...But I know now that even if it means having to die to more stuff I'm ready to deal with it. I know this will make a better mommy, wife,friend, daughter...and I'm glad God can love me through all this as He transforms me into the woman HE wants me to be..and I'm learning that my identity is wrapped up in Him, and not my emotions. Dark yet lovely...:)