Who is that in the mirror? I know that can't possibly be me.
Dieting is so normal now that everyone basically ignores the fact that you are trying to(guilty I'm sure of doing this to others).
Poor eating habits are like drugs. Its easy to be sane and make rational food choices when you are full and there is nothing else to eat but what is healthy. It is not so easy when people(self included) surround you with food that will not help you in the long run. Its like asking a heroine addict to just take a tiny hit...it won't really bother you.
Must there always be this tension and guilt associated with eating? I'm literally scared when I think of the fact that I am only 25 and I have years and years(and years...) of eating ahead of me. I don't want to always have this tension with food.
I love that those around me love me wholly for who I am. But it makes it easy to be comfortable with the size you are and not nearly as motivated, because I mean everyone already loved you immensely.
I have guilt because my whole family doesn't need to lose weight. I hate having to make it where there are no snacks in the house or low calorie meals that just plain don't taste as good.
I can't stand the fact that I've tried dieting many times and have failed every one. I feel like I let people down even when I know its more about me and how I feel then others.
It drives me crazy that I'd love to have more children, and I don't want to be pregnant with this body anymore. But with my lack of much needed change, I'm nervous that I'll never feel like the time is right for another baby.
I want to live longer. I want to be healthier...but I don't want to give up the tasty food. I remember a clip from Biggest Loser where Jillian asked a woman how in the world can junk food be more important then being healthy. I still don't feel I can answer that.
I hate that my husband has to walk a fine line...between loving me and my body just the way it is and being an encouragement to lose weight(because I want to, not because he thinks I need to).
I'm ashamed that I've complained enough about my body image out loud that my sweet 6 year old has commented about how she didn't want to be fat...when she is anything but! I KNOW I have to be a better example to her(and the other 2) so that they do not develop wrong eating habits...
It feels like a dark hole, this weight loss business...and I'm not sure how to make light of it just yet.
Monday, March 7, 2011
The tension that lies within..
Posted by Fletchymama at 2:44 PM
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
3 comments:
I'm sorry. I know that is so tough. It's hard to try to love yourself as you are but still accept the reality that you want to change something about your habits. Praying for grace and clarity and a lot of God speaking to you and not the enemy. :)
Kayla, I sat down to write a post on my blog. I could copy and paste what you wrote and it is exactly how I feel. I am reading Made to Crave by Lysa TerKeurst and it is so good. I have read it through once and loved it, but didn't successfully make any changes. I am reading it a second time hoping something will stick. I can't for the life of me get the "want to" to stop eating the sugary food. Because it makes me sad to think that I may not be able to eat it again. But with having gestational diabetes twice (one went undiagnosed and I had a 9lb 3 oz baby) I have a high risk of diabetes, and that should be motivation enough, it's not. I highly recommend the book and pray that the truths in it will help you. Praying for you Kayla, because I know exactly how you feel.
I know this post was written early last month, but I just wanted to jump in here for two reasons: 1, please don't laugh, but I am now 15 pounds heavier than I have been for most of my grown-up life. Eleven pounds came on slowly over 8 years or so as I got healing from some eating disorders. Four of those pounds just came on this last month (much to my surprise). This distresses me, and makes me take a closer look at my own eating habits in an aging body (can you believe I'm 42?).
The second reason I wanted to jump in here is what you mentioned about Livvy worrying aloud about getting fat. My Mom and her obsession with her weight was a big part of my own eventual eating disorders, and a couple of my own girls worry a bit much about it too, so I have bitten my own tongue when I wanted to make a self-deprecating remark.
You are so right about the balance our amazing dudes have to make between acceptance and encouragement. You've got a gem (as do I) and I know you two will continue to grow in wisdom both in personal choices, and examples to the kiddos.
Chin up, girl! You are on the right track!
(Sorry again for the late remark but I JUST NOW discovered my Google Reader and I've been catching up. I know: "Techy much?" Um, obviously not.)
Post a Comment