I'm a Job...

No..not job as in work...Job, as in biblicy(sp) speaking.

I cannot boast that God was allowing satan to test me, but I know God doesn't give us more then we can handle and though I have NOT gone through the exstensiveness that Job did..I have often felt a connection with him and his life. I have read it many times and I always learn something new each time. I have always been one to wear my emotions on my sleeve. Its been a down fall and a blessing at times, and through each trial the Lord has allowed me to walk through, He has always heard me vent.

My battle has always seemed to be physical. First it was when I had undiagnosed lactose intolerance(which the Lord healed me of years later), dental issues since I've had teeth practically(and I am NOT joking on this...) I'd be happy to never see a dentist again., and more stomach issues that made me take note of where the nearest bathroom was at every place I went to, and while my pregnancy with Olivia was as easy as easy can be(after having her wasn't, due to a breast cyst that required weekly needle aspirations), Noah's pregnancy was a faith walk. Really no problems till I hit 28 weeks. Went in for my gestation diabetes test....and as soon as I drank the liquid, I instantly felt the need to pee...and my bladder kept spasming and spasming. My midwife played it off as position of the baby and sent me home. Come to find out with my Mother's urine strips at home that there was blood in my urine. We assumed UTI and called in the prescription. While we were waiting for that to be filled, my back started hurting. Not an unusual thing while pregnant, but this felt different. By the time I made it home, I was NOT feeling well.....about 30 minutes later, after calling our super friend, Dr. Fred, he said "take her to the hospital..". Come to find out I had 2 kidney stones..one of which was almost out. They admitted me, gave me pain meds(after a long time!) and also pumped me full of fluids they said it'd pass in a day. I stayed for almost a week waiting for that kidney stone to pass..and finally they said there wasn't much more they could do and sent me home with meds to control pain....mean while. Come 34 weeks, I was contracting often and more often then they like, so again I was admitted and steroids were given as we were given the "what having a baby this early means" talk. That was a hard few days to walk out...because part of you just wants to tell your body "no, don't have it" and also trust God that maybe His plan is different. We turned down any other forms of labor stoppers and they sent us home...we prepared ourselves for a possible early baby and went about life. Noah didn't come till almost 40 weeks. Those 6 weeks that I was in limbo waiting for him to come for amazingly faith building. I often complained of why the Lord would allow me to go through so much pain, and Luke has always said "Because He knows your strong enough to handle it". It also pushed me to my knees quite literally many times a day in belief that He was in control...and I know God allowed me that time to draw nearer to Him. He wasn't making me go through it for nothing...(I passed that stone while in labor with Noah. Completely painless and they never could find the other one on ultrasound/x-ray several weeks later).

As of today..I'm edging up on 25 weeks pregnant..and I have a hard time looking at the rest of my pregnancy as something positive, and yet, I know how driven I will be to put my face in the Hands of God and surrender to His strength and grace. My body is already physically feeling the effects. My cervix is wanting to dialate, my pelvis feels like its about to break in two, and not many positions make it anymore comfortable, but I am rarely contracting and for THAT, I am thankful for. Its humbling to know you aren't in control...and if anyone knows me, I like control...and have a very hard time being out of it...so this is a life test for me for sure...but I'm believing for God to be in the rest of my pregnancy and that HE can make it good for me, despite my current situation.

Job, I may not have lost all that you did, but I sure know how good it feels to call out to the One who you know can make it better, even if He so choses not to..I know the hurt one can feel and the sense of abandonment that can overwhelm...but oh how we were wrong. God never left us....He was simply boasting on us, and in the end you were rewarded....I'm clinging to that.

Sorry this was a marathon post..but I feel blogging is like therapy...and I needed that out.

Rare moments..

Livvy has become super affectionate recently..like the random kind that makes a Mother's heart melt...Last night she came up to me and said "I've got a present for you" and wrapped her arms around me and gave me a big hug...to which she said "I've got another one"..and gave me a kiss. Not to mention, this morning...she comes up to me and says "I really love you"...Its moments like this that make my heart twist and melt and reminds me that all the other moments that aren't as great, are beyond worth it.

Its been a lot warmer recently and we've really really been enjoying it. Saturday we all headed out and picked up lunch and went on a picnic with Erin and Wesley. We all soaked up the rays until I could no longer put off going to the bathroom..haha..(why would anyone have a park without bathrooms?!)..Luke and Wesley must have tired the kids out good playing frisbee golf cause once they got home, both were out pretty quick. We watched The Secret Life Of Bees, and Swing Vote this weekend..both were good, even though Swing Vote ended badly in my opinion. Saturday night we went grocery shopping and I amazed myself this week on the deals I was able to get and how cheaply we made out this week for food...Sunday we just lounged around and played outside a good portion of the day. We finally got our video camera up and running again, so we've been able to take video of the kids..and its so nice to know we'll have those on DVD to watch whenever.

Still got this stinky cold thing...none of us are bad, just lingering symptoms like the dreaded "smoker cough" that leaves you feeling like you've been a smoker all your life and runny noses that never seem to go away. I'm believing for speedy healing...I don't want to deal with this much longer. There isn't much a preggo lady can take unfortunately.

24 weeks today. Doesn't seem like a good milestone week, but every week is a blessing. I'm trying to learn to roll with the aches and pains of pregnancy and actually try and enjoy this one much more then my last two. Baby is really a mover, and you can already see movement on the outside of my belly if your watching closely. Its fun to see and baby movement is what makes pregnancy oh so worth it. Its a very weird sensation for those of you who may not know the feeling, but its soo awesome to know little limbs are what's causing the movement. I'm feeling huge though and even though I've only put on a few lbs, I'm having a really hard time letting go and allowing my body to gain what it needs to. I have never been one to be overly concerned with weight..and never had issues before with it till after I had Noah and weaned him. However, watching the scale get up to a number I've never seen before in my life is not an easy task to let go of. I'm so thankful to have a husband who absolutley adores a pregnant body and doesn't mind telling me how unfat I am, and really as long as he doesn't think I'm a blimp, I'm ok...but still...

Anyways...Off to make lunch for the kids and give them their hour of t.v. today...

Unproductive coughing...

Don't you hate when you cough and you don't ever feel like its doing anything? We managed to stay well all winter till about 4 days ago when Luke brought some sort of cold thing home with him from work. So we've all been snotty, minor sore throat, coughy bunch the last few days...my sinuses finally feel better, but now I feel wheezy and coughy and get into coughing spells which really hurt. ugh. I'll be glad when this is over...

23 weeks 1 day today..put on 3 lbs....not too bad for this stage in the game. Probably came from all the junk food binging I've been on recently. Not good...considering the High Fructose Corn Syrup issues and that mercury has been found in it....lovely. Had a midwife appointment today and it well considering how yucky we've all felt. My poor midwife has to sanitize all her toys now...measuring great on fundus for those of you who know what that means....and my baby is head down! :) Hoorah...! Now..baby just needs to stay that way. Did I mention, Livvy has now changed her opinion to wanting a sister and convinced thats what it is now? She for over 20 weeks said it was a boy..and I'm wondering if our visit to the Seibals and seeing a little baby sister changed her mind..haha..She's also calling the baby Winnie the Pooh since we won't tell her our name ideas.

Speaking of children...today was NOT a good children day. Sick kids never help my mood, but there is something about the kids that before lunch, they are just EXTREME mess makers..and I don't mean their toys..I mean like spilling things, dropping food..etc....I don't know how they can make so much mess when confined to only a few spaces. Today Olivia was supposed to be OUT of the kitchen and she wasn't and then loudly said "the trashcan fell over"...well normally we don't throw lots of real food in there because we use our disposal a lot, but I had thrown in some moldly strawberries last night and some leftover speghetti....and if anyone knows our dog, you know she has serious digestive issues when she consumes human food....so the rush is on whenever food is dropped to clean it up...well my preggo bodied self can only jump out of a chair so fast...all while telling Livvy to set the trashcan UPright and start cleaning it up while I came. Low and behold, she's just standing there when I walk in and watching the dog start to nibble on food!....and I mean all the stuff I threw away last night was on the kitchen floor....I still don't know why I let this kind of stuff get to me, but it made every ounce of patiance I have fly out the window this morning..and the only thing my brain could gather was to yell....let me tell you, it did NOT help the situation and probably stressed me out more by yelling then if I had just cleaned it up calmly...after a yelling fit, and a spanking which I'm not sure whether it was more for her, or me, I ended up apologizing for my nasty behaviour and that to be more careful next time. It was not a good day for me......and days like this make me see the real me so much more. I'm humbled...Lord help me!

Trying..

Lately it seems like I've been sucking at keeping up with the blog. Sorry..I actually really enjoy recording the day's events, but finding the time to do it is what's complicated.

Filed our taxes on Friday night..getting a fairly nice refund which will allow us to pay off our midwife and put a lot into savings. Now, if they'd just hurry and deposit it..:)

Our life hasn't had a whole ton going on recently, so there isn't tons to report. Last Saturday, we walked the mile track around our local park..we really love it and it was just cold and wet enough that no one was there and left us to walking it alone. We took pics, but I'm having a hard time getting my printer to read my memory card from the camera anymore and we have yet to replace the upload cable to the camera since it was chewed up by the detructive Rottweiler pup we had in June of 08. After the walk, we took Luke's car to the oil place. We are so much better at keeping my van in great condition, but his always seems to take a back seat and he REALLY needed to get it changed...turns out, we had to have the engine flushed while we were at it due to sludge..great. Ate Arby's while we waited, then headed to Target to get some jeans for me...they didn't have my size...darnet, but we did get bacon and tomatoes for part of lunch on Sunday and I splurged on a Chai Tea Latte at Starbucks..I headed home to get the kids a quick nap, and then I made dinner for some of our only friends up here who just had a baby...they ended up wanting us to just eat it with them, so that was nice to get to hang out at their house for a little bit and enjoy some good company...not to mention, who doesn't like holding a new baby?!

Sunday, Joel and Carol had a house showing, and so they headed our way to hang..we haven't hung out with them in a long time! Just goes to show you, you can live fairly close to someone and never see them..or at least, not often. They came, ate lunch and hung with us for a while before heading back home. Luke and I played cards and relaxed the evening away..it was a good weekend.

This week has been boring so far...nothing cool happening. Today, its windy...very windy and stormy feeling...I usually love days like this, but it sounds icky today, which always makes me nervous...not sure why.

Have an appointment with our midwife on Saturday...we are praying Luke doesn't have to work this weekend so he can make it without it having to be rescheduled. I always look forward to going and seeing her and thats how its supposed to be.

Anyways...thats it for right now..

I desire..

-To learn to become a better friend and not be afraid of being intimate and real with them.

-To embrace the awkward feeling I always get when meeting new people, because I'll never get to know anyone if I don't.

-To not lose touch with those friends whom we've moved away from.

-To actually put time aside in my day in which God gets to be the center, and not all the things that take it away from Him.

- To become less of a yelling mom. I justify it when they are far away, but I'm teaching them to only respond to me when I yell, and I don't want my kids to ever think of me as "their yelling mother"..

-To become more of a servant and "well spring" to my husband, not because I have to, but because I want to.

-To embrace the calling of a Proverbs 31 woman.

-To find fellowship with a relational/life/God centered group of people in a non-institutional situation.

-To one day actually fulfill the desire of my heart in being involved in helping woman give birth, no matter the capacity that God sees fit.

-To honor God in every birth of my children I have. May the One who ordained such a wonderful process be glorified in every moment. (Even the one where I wonder what I've done to myself again..haha..).

11 days!

Since my last post already? Wow..time really does fly. Not tons has happened since my last post, so I feel like this will be boring...but then again, most of my posts are kind of that way anyways. :)

We had our 20 week ultrasound last week. Baby looked great and the tech was very nice and sensitive to our not wanting to know what the baby was. It was one of the longest ones I've had because it was a level 2 as they were looking mostly for signs of CF which I hear it hard to spot on an ultrasound, but whatever. Got lots of cute pics even though none were super good quality. Strange..you'd think with the machine so much more sensitive it would have been clearer. While it was really hard to not ask what the gender was, specially since she looked and knew what it was, I'm soo happy I stuck to my guns. Now, that I'm not going back to my OB/GYN, and the fact that I don't want to shell out cash for one of those 3D ones, I don't have an option of finding out, so I'm good to go now. :) I'm 21 weeks today..which makes me happy. Depending on when baby comes, I could be OVER half way done with this pregnancy, and yet, I'm really just trying to enjoy this one. I don't take for granted being pregnant and realized for many that being pregnant would be a dream come true, and I have felt so much more thankful for the time God gives us mothers to grow our babies and to nurture them while they are inside us. While I'm dying to see and hold my baby, I am at peace waiting for this little one to come. "However, Lord, please don't take this literally and make me be pregnant for like 42 weeks or something"..:)

Speaking of Baby...Luke was finally able to go in and get tested for him being a CF carrier..we needed to know since I am. Praise the Lord, his results came back negative! He's not a carrier and it made this pregnancy a little less worry filled. haha...While all my children have a possibility of being a carrier, I'd rather pass that, then the actual disease. Knowing more about it now, I'm curious as to which one of my parents have given this carrierness to me. ;)


Luke's parents came up this weekend, we enjoy having them visit. They stayed for 2 nights and we just enjoyed hanging with them and then took them to see the Farmer's market here...they loved it, and I found yet another thing I love there...their cranberry muffins...super yummy!

Luke's got 8 hour days this week..yippy! Makes the week so much more managable.

One of my friends had her baby this weekend. After a long and drawn out labor, baby was born via C-section and baby is in the NICU right now healing from a few issues. Pray for healing for the baby and for my friend as she has to recover from a major surgery and not being able to see and hold her baby much yet.

No, money doesn't grow on trees, your so right Mom.

When I was a kid, I would ask for something and my mom would say "we don't have any money right now"..what parents hasn't said that?! And I'd say "well just write a check"..as if that was money and you could just order more when you ran out. Oh..if only I knew. Luke and I have had to cough up so much money recently for random stuff that I'm getting frustrated. God has NEVER failed us when it came to providing, but He's taught us that He likes to wait till the last minute when you are simply walking in faith for things to be paid. God is so good, and I am thankful every day that there is a roof over our head, and food on our table, and we are all wearing clothes...so what else do I need to worry about?

I am finally feeling better and I'm glad my body has resumed a more normal feeling now. Emotionally and spiritually I'm feeling puny though. I personally have felt the "desert" for a while now...however recently I've had a new wave of desire to want to whole heartedly seek Him, and am trying to go with it. I know that He promised if I sought Him, I'd find Him...so thats what I'm clinging to.

Liv's birthday was this past week(the 6th) and she's so happy to say she's finally 4, and is already moving on to asking when she'll turn 5. "Please slow down sweetie!"...When you have a toddler you feel like your still a young parent, and while I know we haven't parented older children and teens, there is something about having a 4 year old that makes me feel like I've been a parent forever. I honestly can barely remember what it was like before her..haha..She's been such an amazing joy and such a challange and I think thats what makes it all the sweeter to see her grow up. Luke and I still have much to learn on how to parent her, but I know God will help, and I can already see the strong, amazing, God filled woman she'll be. We had Erin and Wesley over to celebrate and got her pizza, and an actual birthday cake which she wanted. Her big thing though was at 4, she was allowed to have gum for the first time(within reason of course). We scared the crap out of her about swallowing it, so it has taken her a few days to get beyond chewing a piece for more then 30 seconds and wanting to spit it out..but she's coming around. She went from my 8 lbs. chubbo to my big girl...

I'm 19 weeks 3 days today. Still no weight gain, thank the Lord, however I can tell my body is about to kick it up a notch in trying to gain weight, because I went from craving apples and other healthy foods, to wanting potato chips and fruit leather...Baby has finally started moving enough where its feelable most of the time. My placenta is on the front wall of my uterus, so it kept me from feeling much till Baby was big enough to get around it...most of my movement is on the sides of my stomach...Luke was tested yesterday for him being a CF carrier..please be praying his comes back negative so we have nothing to worry about..I have an ultrasound on the 13th, and hopefully after that I won't have to go into the OB practice again. I'm really not liking them..

Watched "The Business of Being Born" again the other day..and even though I already wanted the homebirth, it reminded me all over again why I'm avoiding the hospital at all costs this time. Ugh...freakin' USA. If you haven't seen it...you need to. I think any woman of child bearing age should see it.

Anyways..thats my post for today. :)